Love Bombing Part 1

I have been quiet here lately.  It’s a sordid tale, one I’m not all that comfortable telling, but I know it’s necessary to do so for various reasons.

This will be a two-part post.  Part 1 will focus on what happened and why it did. Part 2 will focus on lessons learned and how I will change things in the future.

Two months ago, I matched with a beautiful woman ten years younger.  From the boobs up, she was everything I like. On the spectrum between 6 pack abs vs Rubenesque, I prefer the latter.  And although she was thicker in the middle than I like, the whole package worked for me.  We shared immediate and powerful chemistry, had a great vibe together, and had intense chats from the start; I am a sucker for intelligent conversation.  I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame.  Things moved quickly; I had a light schedule, and we saw each other frequently.  Deep down, I knew things were progressing surprisingly fast, but I convinced myself that I was in control and consciously choosing how things were proceeding.

Within a few weeks, we discussed being exclusive, and I agreed to it.  I got off the apps and ended things with another woman I’d been casually seeing for months.

Four weeks in, she’s professing her love for me, which should have been an immediate red flag.  However, I’m still telling myself that since I’m not in love with her, I still control my destiny.

We had our first disagreement about five weeks in.  I’m traveling for work; she is needy, wanting reassurance about everything - us, her, me, that I’ll still like her when I get back…weird and immature.  I pushed back as it felt smothering and controlling.  She cries and says I’ve triggered her abandonment issues.

Sometimes, I think a downside to therapy is over-empathizing with other people’s faults.  What I should have done at that point was end it.  However, I felt empathy because I had confronted my abandonment issues and knew how much work it took to overcome their effect.   We work through that moment, and I again tell myself I’m in control of my destiny.

Flash forward to two months in, and I’m about to leave on another business trip.  She stays over the night before.  She’s anxious that morning, and it’s coming across as very needy.  I’m surprised and confused as this is out of nowhere; things were going well.  Again, I “talk her off the edge,” she leaves, and I begin packing.  I do laundry, and her stuff is in my hamper; I go into my bathroom, and there’s new stuff from her stored away.  Combined with the morning “therapy” session, I suddenly got very uncomfortable; it felt as if a switch changed position within me - this isn’t normal.  I decided that when I returned, I would rein her in and have her remove her stuff.

Driving to the airport that evening and on the phone, she had another bout of neediness.  She even admits this must be very frustrating for me, which it is.  And confusing, I’ve done nothing to cause her to feel any of the doubts she’s expressing.  It’s now triggering my alarms; this is entirely unwarranted and very demanding.

Almost 18 hours later, I get to my hotel room, shower, and pass out for 10 hours.  I woke to nearly ten messages from her - are you OK, where are you, I haven’t heard from you.  By now, my empathy has been exhausted, I’m drained from managing her emotions, I’ve gotten a peak behind the curtain showing the future, and I realize I want nothing to do with this or her; I need to end this.  Her “care” and constant need for reassurance is a veiled attempt at controlling me to control her issues.

Another chat to calm her down.  Why didn’t I end it over the phone?  Because I made a foolish error - I had given her a key a couple of weeks prior.  I am fully aware that needy people are capable of doing strange things.  I want my key back before I end things.

Get home, she stops by that afternoon to see me.  I sit her down on my couch and tell her I cannot be with someone needy, that I need to enforce a healthy boundary and end this now because a switch has been turned off inside me, that there’s no recovery from this place for me, and I’m done.

This was the worst breakup I’ve been through since my marriage ended. She was pleading, argumentative, desperate, bargaining and negotiating, promising to act differently.  It went on for an hour before she finally left.  I could have told her to leave, but my gut told me I needed to face her onslaught head-on so she could witness and feel my resolve; otherwise, she would drag this out.

Since then, there has been one phone call and 12 text messages.  Update: 19 messages.

I’m relieved to have my key back.

I am fortunate I caught on to her instability two months in rather than two years.

And yet, there are several questions I need to answer about why this happened and how to handle things differently from now on so it doesn’t happen again.

The short answer to why I went exclusive with someone, gave her a key, and put up with her drama is I fell victim to love-bombing.  According to this article, “love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them. It looks different for every person, but it usually involves some form of: 

Excessive flattery and praise. 

Over-communication of their feelings for you. 

Showering you with unneeded/unwanted gifts. 

Early and intense talks about your future together.”

She accomplished all of the above within the first three weeks.

Reading that article makes me want to throw up and be hard on myself for not seeing through the manipulation sooner.  Simultaneously, it makes me feel good that I saw the trap as quickly as I did.  I know the truth is I’ve learned a valuable lesson with a minimum of time invested or repercussions.

Stay tuned for Part 2, where I will discuss why I think this happened and what I will do about it.

Peace, Freedom and Progress