Why I’m a Rennaissance Bachelor

Who is this Renaissance Bachelor dude?  Why does he have a blog?  What is the mission and purpose of the blog?  And how did he transition from a newly divorced middle-aged clueless and frequently unhappy guy to a well-adjusted and happy bachelor that is living his best life?  Stick around to learn more.

As I wrote in my first post, The Renaissance was a period in history defined by its effort to revive and surpass the ideas, art, and achievement of classical antiquity.  I have always been fascinated by this period of history and over the years been drawn to its art, architecture, and major figures.  I am currently listening to this podcast about Caravaggio and I may have found a new hero - equal parts breathtakingly gifted Renaissance artist who’s influenced human history and badass outlaw who kept company with gamblers, prostitutes, thieves, loved to fight, and committed murder himself.

The Calling of St Matthew, 1600

I am both blessed and cursed with a strong need for self-improvement.  The Renaissance ideal of improving has been reflected in my life over the last 11+ years, hence the use of this word in my moniker.  Hemingway said “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow men.  True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.”  These are words I choose to live by.

The classic definition of bachelor is a man who has never married whereas a more modern definition is a man who is not married; I fall into the latter category.  Am I a confirmed lifelong bachelor?  Maybe.  Am I a very content current bachelor?  Certainly.

Before I go further and regale you with the awesomeness of midlife bachelorhood, I think it’s important to say that before I am a bachelor I am a dad.  I love fatherhood and find it equally fulfilling and challenging.  Not everyone should be a parent; however, if you’re the kind of man who wants to be then I encourage you to be intentional about making that happen.

What brings me the most contentment with this lifestyle?  First and foremost is freedom.  As David Deida wrote in his book The Way of the Superior Man (look for a future post on the books that changed my life), the masculine’s highest calling is freedom.  Personally, that translates into freedom to spend money and resources as I see fit;  freedom to date whom I want; freedom to take a break from dating (I do that periodically); freedom to head out on my motorcycle and chase the horizon solo or with friends; freedom to lounge around my flat (condo sounds so clinical) and do nothing; freedom to fill my flat with art and books and music and photos that make me smile; freedom to sit in a coffee house and write this blog entry; freedom to do body shots off a really cute woman in Hong Kong, and her friend, and their other friend; freedom to say yes to life; freedom to say no when I want to; freedom to think you will spend Valentine’s Day alone, but getting your waitresses’ number and not spending that evening alone after all (future blog post).

There are some deep-seated reasons I value freedom as much as I do, which stem from how I was raised and will cover in future posts.  Suffice it to say for now I am not running away from commitment, I am running toward authenticity.

Do I give up anything because of this lifestyle?  Many people would say cost-sharing but this is only said by people who have not gone through divorce…divorce is expensive because it’s worth it!  The harsh truth is women are expensive.  The sharing of resources a couple may claim as a benefit is seldom 50/50.

Couples have an ease in life that a solo does not share because the world is designed for couples.  I sometimes need to plan rides to and from the doctor, getting my truck serviced may require extra planning.  And don’t get me started on vacation trips where a solo is hit with a surcharge.  However, I’m willing to tolerate an occasional inconvenience to gain the freedom mentioned above.

I don’t blend in, I am the third, fifth, or seventh wheel at married friends' events, and sometimes don’t get invited to couples-centered social events. This is not a complaint, I have a full life, simply an observation.  When invited, it’s funny to see their reactions when I decline to bring a guest (future blog post).

The potential for regular sex.  I say potential because after having been in two long-term relationships I know firsthand how the frequency of sex wanes as time goes by (future blog post).  Again, not a complaint, I have had sex with more women in the past 18 months than my entire previous life.  Not huge numbers, but more than enough and more variety than I’ve ever had.  And the excitement and thrill of the chase from the variety are truly fun.

I spend a great deal of time alone but am rarely lonely, which wasn’t always the case.  I now enjoy solitude and contemplative time as much as the time I spend with friends and family. Look for a future blog post on how I went from lonely to fulfilled.

As you can see, many of the common drawbacks cited about living alone simply are not true for me.

Hopefully, my tone conveys the actual contentment, periodic happiness and complete lack of bitterness my life now brings me.  My intentional efforts have created a life I find rich, fulfilling, psychologically rewarding and often exciting.  This podcast makes distinctions between a happy life, a meaningful life and a psychologically rich life.  I found the language and those distinctions incredibly helpful and inspiring for I’ve chosen, unknowingly until listening, the psychologically rich life.  People I’ve cared for deeply have criticized me for pushing to be a better version of myself, which caused me to self-censor and be self-conscious - dim my shine.  I no longer allow that to happen, and the road from there to here will be another blog topic.   

A question I frequently get in some form or another is “What are you looking for?” Or “How come you’re not looking to settle down?”  And even sometimes “you’re a great catch, you won’t be single for long.”  The short and blunt answer is I am living the untethered life of my dreams, why would I ever want to change that?  This occasionally engenders envy amongst men in monogamous relationships, and worry and confusion in their partners.  I don’t often respond in this fashion but it is the most unvarnished truth.  This will be a topic I explore further in future posts.    

I’ve been asked why I am writing anonymously - the simple answer is it gives me the freedom to write about people without hurting them - exes and family in particular.  I worked very hard to create a good relationship with my ex-wife for the sake of my daughter and have no wish to nuke it.

Lastly, why start a blog?  Most importantly, writing helps me uncover what I think and feel about a subject which is why I’ve been journaling for as long as I have been.  I’m finding blog writing similarly beneficial but in a different manner.  Directed and centered on a limited topic, blog writing is proving to be a powerful personal growth tool as it’s forcing me to give voice to ideas, concepts and values I’ve lived by for years in a cogent and logical dialogue.  And I needed to write that out to realize it.  Additionally, maybe my experience, my perspective, and my knowledge will help some other guy out there.

This will not be a traditional “player’s blog,” solely focused on field reports, dating stories, or “notches,” there’s plenty of that out there.  As I said in my introductory post, this is a lifestyle design blog for the midlife man.  Feel free to comment with requests and suggestions for topics.

Hit that subscribe button and come along for the ride.

Peace, Freedom and Progress