Don’t Make Dating Hard
“I hate dating.” “Dating is so hard.” “Dating is exhausting.” “I wish I could get off the apps.”
I have heard the above quite often in my dating life. More often, from women, but also guys. I’ve also heard reference to this from men and women in relationships but said differently, something along the lines of “I’m so glad I’m not trying to date now; I hear it’s a nightmare out there.”
My reply never ceases to elicit surprise in the listener: I find dating fun and exciting; the short answer as to why is I don’t make it complicated. And the most crucial factor that makes this so is mindset.
My inspiration for this post came from this blog post titled Why is Dating Hard? The Top Reasons. It’s a long read that I found worthwhile, and the authors are doing some fascinating research. The study measured five self-reported metrics to compile statistics from participants: Physical Attractiveness, Locus of Control, Attachment Style, Anxiety, and Depression. I was pleasantly surprised to see how many factors that contributed to making dating easier were already part of my repertoire.
To begin with, I am not depressed and am not afflicted with anxiety. Sure, I may feel nervous in certain circumstances, everyone does. Nervousness is short-lived, whereas anxiety is a persistent state of worry. If you suffer from depression or anxiety, you have my sympathy. I’m not a mental health professional, but I would say working on those issues is far more important than dating. And, as the data shows, dating is more difficult if you score high in either of these areas.
Physical attractiveness can be a difficult subject - beautiful people obviously have an advantage in the dating market - and it is a market. It’s a given we can only do so much with what we are born with; however, we can maximize what we have and leverage our strengths - I’m looking at you, the newly divorced guy with the “dad bod.” Being in shape at any age makes a tremendous difference; it also helps to remember you cannot out-exercise a shitty diet. So does figuring out what hairstyle maximizes your aesthetics - that could range from shaving it all off to getting a great haircut from someone with a good eye. And in general, men look better with some facial hair because it makes you appear more masculine. Choose clothing that fits correctly and is congruent with your age bracket and style goals. And women notice shoes.
The bottom line is to put some effort into maximizing your aesthetics; do so, and you will feel more confident, and that’s sexy. I have, and it has made a perceptible difference. I’ve transformed myself from being overweight, drab, and invisible to being “good-looking for my age.” Many resources are available that can assist you with improving your style game; comment below if you’d like me to make some recommendations.
Attachment style is a timely topic, given my previous post. The first link has a free attachment-style quiz that I found worthwhile. I have a Secure attachment style; the other three are Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. People with a secure style have the easiest time with dating, anxious and avoidant struggle more, and disorganized wasn’t addressed. The good news is you can change your attachment style; I am reasonably sure I did (someone with a secure attachment would never have married my ex). One reason dating is easier for men with secure attachment is that “individuals with more secure attachment also tend to be more optimistic about dating and experience less disillusionment toward dating.”
I’ve intentionally saved Locus of Control (LOC) for last because I believe this is the most significant single factor that explains my positive dating experience. “Locus of control refers to the degree to which an individual feels a sense of agency in regard to his or her life. Someone with an internal locus of control will believe that the things that happen to them are greatly influenced by their abilities, actions, or mistakes. A person with an external locus of control will tend to feel that other forces—such as random chance, environmental factors, or the actions of others—are more responsible for the events that occur in the individual's life.” People with an internal LOC have lower general dating difficulty.; this was especially true for men.
My mindset going into a date, especially a first one, is that I will have a good time and entertain myself regardless of anything else. We can share great chemistry and compatibility, and I’ll enjoy myself. We can share great chemistry but not compatibility, and I’ll enjoy spending time with an attractive woman. We can share great chemistry but be wholly incompatible, and I’ll still manage to entertain myself because I’ll ask questions that egg her on, which is fun. In other words, the outcome of how I feel about the evening is internally driven and not dependent upon the other person; I know I can entertain myself regardless of the company.
Fun is a goal, and so is creating a scenario that plays to my strengths. I am with someone I find attractive; I have planned the date, and we’re doing something I enjoy; I am dressed well; I am testing her for interest; I am observing her reaction to my subtle touch; I am aware of how she reacts to my lead; I do more listening than talking; I screen for red flags; I’m not afraid to disagree - no one likes a “yes” man, but I don’t pick fights; if necessary, I’ll change the subject and observe how she reacts - if she can’t let go then I know we’re not compatible.
I am actively screening my date to see if she is worthy of my time and entry into my world. This is a script reversal from so much contemporary dating advice for men: She needs to be worthy of my time and attention, and she has to meet my standards. In other words, my LOC is inwardly focused; I know that my actions, choices, and judgment are congruent with my goals and values.
I’ve previously seen this referred to as having the woman enter your frame and that you are your mental point of origin. I don’t recall coming across the concept of Locus of Control, but it immediately made me think of Rollo’s old post. Regardless of how it’s referred to, this idea of being “the decider” will make dating easier, more enjoyable, and more successful, irrespective of how you define success in this context.
One other benefit to having an internal LOC: Men like this tend to be better at reading social cues about gauging their date's interest and receptivity. So much of successful dating is paying attention to nonverbal communication and body language, experimenting with what works and doesn’t work, and making adjustments; you will be better at this with an internal LOC.
There is one additional trait I feel is essential to screen for that contributes to my dating success. I pay attention to her energy - does it feel feminine? I have a very masculine energy, and I am most attracted to women who are my polar opposite because polarity equals attraction. I prefer women with lots of feminine energy; upping the polarity increases our chemistry. I can and have dated women with comparatively high masculine energy because there is still polarity between us, and they adore me because they get to feel girly. But I eventually lose interest; I’ve found their shit tests are more confrontational, and they tend to have harder edges. Also, don’t make the error of conflating independence and femininity as they are separate; one is behavior, and the other is her energetic essence. You’ll know the difference when you feel an independent woman relax into your masculine energy and her feminine essence blooms - it’s delightful.
I’ll close with a connection I made while writing this post between my secure attachment style and my recent dating history. Secure attachment style and internal LOC are connected; people with one tend to have the other. Sometimes, I have felt two competing mindsets between bachelorhood and commitment that I have struggled to understand. Now, I think I have a better understanding of this dynamic. People like me do well in healthy relationships; we are comfortable in relationships, and we are sought after by others who sense this. Although I prefer bachelorhood and freedom, and I like myself better single, I need to understand it is easy for guys like me to get locked down. However, I have a “higher degree of self-determination in romantic relationships,” I take that to mean the choice is mine. And as I stated in my previous post, I am happiest when single, so I shall stay so.
The biggest lesson I took from this is to know what your strengths and weaknesses are and then play to your strengths. Be the captain of your dating life, not the passenger. Be intentional and make it happen your way.
Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this post. If you did, please like and subscribe. And if something resonated, maybe you made a connection to your own dating life, let me know below.
Peace, Freedom and Progress