Love Bombing Part 2

“Attachment is the source of all suffering.”

Buddha

I recommend you check out Part 1 of this post for the story's beginning.  A summary:  guy meets girl, guy and girl like each other, guy and girl date exclusively, girl gets comfortable quickly and lets her crazy side out of the basement, guy ends things with girl after two months.

For reference, here is the article I linked to in Part 1 about love bombing.

I credit myself for being reasonably savvy to women with BPD; however, a new-to-me form of crazy snuck under my radar:  I was blind to what’s known as anxious attachment.  I had never explored attachment theory; I knew once I got my head out of my ass over this particular woman that I had been love bombed, and researching that led me to find and explore this topic.

My absences triggered clingy, manipulative, and controlling behavior.  The thought of me being multiple time zones away, not knowing exactly what I was doing, and unsure of when she would hear from me again literally drove her mad.

She admitted during the hour-long breakup, which was 95% her talking (I said all I needed to say in the first five minutes), that it was her fault; she was embarrassed and humiliated and desperate for me to give her another chance.  The whole event was incredibly awkward, distasteful, and surreal; she bargained and negotiated in a childlike fashion.  I realized during that hour I was dealing with an accomplished manipulator; someone used to getting their way, an emotional bully.  And the speed at which she could shift from fighting to fawning felt very unbalanced.   The harder she tried to change my mind,  the stronger my resolve became.  In fact, beneath my shock at her behavior and frustration with her repetitiveness, I felt a bit of pride over my steadfast resoluteness in the face of her withering barrage.    

The subsequent text messages have been entertaining - a mix of apologies, pleas to chat, self-pity, embarrassment, and further attempts at manipulation.  I haven’t responded since the day I broke things off, and I haven’t heard from her in days; hopefully, she’s gotten the message.

It’s over; now comes the analysis of how and why this happened.

She was highly attuned and sensitive to me, which initially felt good, but eventually turned clingy.

She showered me with affection and gifts, which felt good initially but eventually turned awkward.

As time passed, she texted more and more and became impatient when I didn’t answer quickly.  She would quickly imagine a worst-case scenario to explain my perceived lack of timeliness to her messages.  This became suffocating.

The sex was smoking hot, some of the best I’ve ever experienced.  It was addictive, and it certainly blinded me to red flags that were apparent from the beginning.   

I assumed someone as successful as she had their shit together.  She’s a very accomplished working mom of 3 with a big job one step away from the C-Suite.  Briefing the CEO on issues under her responsibility is a regular occurrence.  I did not see behavior like this coming from someone as successful as she.  And talk about brilliant. She’s one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met. The conversations were deep, meaningful, and powerful.

I think it’s also important to mention what I did right and what I’ve learned about myself.

Dr. Robert Glover says that in dating, you should go as slow as possible to get to know someone as fast as possible.  In other words, don’t get deep so early that you feel like you can’t back out, but push things along so you don’t waste time on the wrong person.  Regardless of how often she professed her love for me, I did not reciprocate, and I did not allow my feelings to get very deep.  Less than two months from being exclusive to ending things abruptly is quite acceptable.

My defenses against BPD, NPD, and now anxious attachment are quite good; I did not become enmeshed, and I have no lingering trauma or issues I need to work through.

I take responsibility for my portion of why this happened - her love bombing worked, albeit for a short period.  Writing this has helped me see what I did wrong and how to prevent it from happening again.  I wish this woman no ill will; she may be crazy, but I allowed her into my life.

The relief I felt when I ended things was immediate and multifaceted:  Free from self-induced drama, free from crazy, free to have freedom back, free from obligation, just free.  Additionally, I feel lighter and less burdened.  I failed to appreciate, while mired in the chaos, how much of an energy vampire she was.    

Regarding dating, I would be better served by dealing my cards out at a slower pace.  Just because I’ve done a bunch of work on myself and don’t feel I have anything to hide doesn’t mean I have to bare my soul with all the intricate details of my life.  Doing so accelerates a feeling of intimacy that women can misconstrue as commitment.

Words matter; they color our mindset and how we appear in the world.  Saying I was open to going exclusive has led me to do so three times over the last two and a half years; none lasted more than three months.  I think some of this was rooted in a fear of missing out on a really great woman; however, I’ve created a pretty awesome solo life that is worth cherishing and preserving.  Truthfully, I’m not missing out on anything or any one.  Therefore, the language I use will change. I’m not open to exclusive, and I will find a way to convey that.

In retrospect, every experience of going exclusive with someone has increased my resolve to stay a bachelor.  Of the 31 months I’ve been single, I’ve been actively dating the last 23 (I did not date for the first 8 months) and have spent about 6 of those dating someone exclusively.  I was less happy during those 6 months than the other 17, which is a meaningful connection.  And it’s interesting to see that I was seeing one woman at a time for 26% of my recent dating life; I never would have guessed the percentage was that high - 26% of the time, I’ve willingly done something that makes me less happy… makes me wonder if I’m the crazy one…

I am going to adjust my dating style - I think I give off the “boyfriend” vibe when what I’m looking for is to be the fun guy, so I need to lean into that.

I have a theory that men who encounter women such as this and survive the encounter are rare.  There are a few accounts with similar storylines and successful endings; however, we don’t hear about the guys who went all in with crazy and never came up for air - and I think that’s a lot of men.  It takes strength of character, an abundance mindset, and self-awareness to end an unhealthy relationship.  Yet all it takes for most men to stay in one is great sex; crazy-hot sex is addictive until it morphs into just crazy.  Men living this lifestyle are exposed to far more women than average, which exposes us to crazy more frequently.  We either resist and live to tell the tale or disappear from the lifestyle and maybe ourselves.

One other thing - If a woman seems too good to be true in the very beginning, she is, dump her.  Had I listened to my intuition, which was uncomfortable with the speed at which she was trying to push things along, we would never have gotten past date 3.  I was disarmed by her checking in and asking, “Is this okay? Am I going too fast?”  It made it seem like she wasn’t going too fast.  I got played by a master manipulator.

Truthfully, this experience was a gift. I learned about attachment theory; I logically evaluated the amount of time I’ve spent dating someone exclusively and realized it did not contribute to my long-term happiness.  And I came through emotionally unscathed and had some great sex.

This was a difficult post to write; I had to face something that simultaneously felt like a failure and a victory.  However, it helped me get in touch with some essential feelings, such as disappointment (in myself) and pride and relief and satisfaction and resolve. And forgiveness of self.  And I’ve devised some strategies to manage my dating life more effectively to avoid a repeat of this performance.  Hopefully, this story will help someone else.

“And when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want.  What do you call it, freedom or loneliness?”

Charles Bukowski

I know my answer to the above.

I’m open to suggestions on points and issues I might have missed; let me know your thoughts in the comments.

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Peace, Freedom and Progress