The Three Date Rule and Becoming a High Value Man
There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.
Ernest Hemingway
I read this post by Red Quest about the three-date rule that I agree with and want to expand upon from the point of view of a mid-life bachelor.
Let me begin by saying I know many of Red Quest’s posts require a subscription; I am a long-time reader of his blog, and that is because I find a lot of value in his material: He writes from the perspective of a man, not a boy, which is rare in this space. He is also why I started blogging; he reached out after I commented on a post and encouraged me to start my blog. He even checked in when I hadn’t posted in a while. So, thank you, RQ, and I encourage you to consider subscribing to his blog.
The essence of his post is the three-date rule to sex is not an important metric to use for deciding whether the time you’re spending with a woman is worth it. Admittedly, it is useful sometimes as it provides a stop-loss point in case the woman uses you for your attention and resources (low-quality behavior on her part; don’t play along). What is more important is the perception of progress, whether you enjoy her company, and whether you perceive her as high enough quality to continue the investment in her. Let me give four examples from my recent dating life (post-love-bombing) for illustration purposes.
Woman number one happened during a recent work trip to Hong Kong. This was my second trip there this year; we had traded numbers during my previous trip and kept in periodic touch. Petite Filipina with long dark hair and an incredibly tight body. One date involving dinner followed by a second venue with music, culminating in a delightful night in my hotel room. We’re still in touch, and I look forward to seeing her again next time I’m in town. Fast progress to sex, enjoyable company, and beautiful.
Woman number two came from Bumble, an intelligent and tall blonde with enormous breasts. Great first date on a very rainy night, with lots of chemistry. Neither of us was ready for the date to end; the bar was packed, and the rain made the prospect of a different venue unappealing; she then suggested we go back to hers for wine. There was no sex that night, but let’s say she was impressed with my one-handed liberation of her aforementioned breasts. Progress towards sex, enjoyable company, and very attractive.
Woman number three also came from Bumble, an intelligent and petite brunette with a great smile. It was a good first date; we had chemistry, but I didn’t find it compelling; she enthusiastically kissed me goodnight when I walked her to her car. Progress, enjoyable company, and very cute, but not enough chemistry to see her again. I picked up on some yellow flags, which killed the chemistry for me; it was not worth the potential drama.
Woman number four, another Bumble date, is an intelligent and tall brunette who laughs easily. She’s been separated/divorced for about three years and has been on dates but hadn’t even kissed another man. The chemistry was hot, and so was the sex. She can no longer say she hasn’t been kissed…
Four different women with four different scenarios and differing results. I don’t do long-distance, so I wouldn’t have waited for woman number 1. I will wait for woman number 2 as I feel we are making progress toward sex, and I enjoy her company (update: date number 2 was all I had to wait). Woman number 3 did not pass my filters. And I would have waited for woman number 4, but that was unnecessary.
I made the following comment to Red Quest’s post:
“”Most guys are getting past the girl's filter, not trying to filter out girls.” That is really well said. Take this a little further: most guys should focus on bettering themselves to become an in-demand guy so that they can do the latter rather than hope to get through the former.”
I believe there are four things we cannot control in the Sexual Marketplace: attraction, chemistry, compatibility, and timing. We are either attracted to each other or not; our combined energies create sexual tension or not; we have similar world-views and experiences or are willing to set aside differences in favor of chemistry, or are excited by those differences; and we enter each others’ lives at the right time. The one thing we can influence and control is how we appear in the marketplace, and that was the point of my comment.
I used the term “in-demand” in my comment; more common terms are high-value man or high-quality man (I’ll use HVM as the generic abbreviation from now on). There is no shortage of “guidance” that defines these terms, which typically includes links to coaching programs. Therefore, it’s fair to say any definition written by someone else is a sales pitch. I encourage you to peruse what’s out there and come to your own conclusions; some of the content is useful, like here (the best one I found) and here.
Ultimately, I think the best definition of an HVM is self-derived and self-motivated. The Locus of Control is inwardly focused, giving agency over your definition and agency over your life. Certainly, your definition needs to be realistic - if it involves “body acceptance” rather than being fit and healthy, the goal is too low to be helpful.
With the above in mind, there are eight characteristics that I use to define being the best version of myself: an internal LOC, healthy both in appearance and reality, dressing well, living true to my mission, being well-rounded and cultured, having a sense of humor, creating more than I consume, and living a fun and exciting life.
My internal LOC gives me confidence, self-reliance, self-esteem, internally driven values, assertiveness (as opposed to aggressiveness), and the ability to stand up for my healthy boundaries. This was not always the case; my upbringing created an external LOC within me. I was a people-pleaser, seeking validation in the eyes of others. I was more a chameleon than a fully-formed adult man, showing up as what I perceived was necessary to gain approval in a given situation. It ultimately made me deeply unhappy. It took years to change this part of me; it’s hard to fix what you couldn’t define.
I cannot overstate the effect that being and appearing healthy has had on my dating life. Start paying attention to the number of men you see who are overweight, out of shape, and unhealthy in your age group; it’s shocking. I’ve read that being in shape automatically puts you in the top 1% of men, and I cannot say he’s wrong. Putting in the effort to know I look good naked has also been a potent confidence booster. I was naked with two new women last weekend (unusual! And something I could get used to), and they both commented when my shirt came off. I often hear I’m better looking in person. I attribute this to my date getting a more complete impression of how fit and healthy I am. And I’ve mentioned before you cannot out-exercise a shitty diet; simply cutting back on bread, beer, and sugar will make a noticeable difference in your weight and blood sugar. If I can transform myself from an overweight, out of shape, and unhealthy early forty’s guy who was invisible to women into the man who had sex with two new and different women on the same weekend, you can as well.
I have cultivated my sense of style over the years, and I am comfortable switching between refined, rugged, and sophisticated. My clothes fit well, especially on a date; I know what colors complement my skin tone, and I only dress like I’m going to the gym when I’m going to the gym. I have very personal tattoos that are visible when I wear short sleeves or roll up long sleeves, and I wear a couple of cool rings that are fun topics of conversation. I don’t blend in, nor am I flamboyant. I also pay attention to grooming; I spend money on getting a great haircut regularly; nails, nose hair, eyebrows addressed; teeth, and breath as well. My goal in a room full of men my age is to stand apart and, at the same time, also be age-appropriate. High-status-appearing men draw attention. And being in shape, appearing healthy, dressing well, and being well-groomed go a long way to making that happen.
A clearly defined life’s mission is the foundation that so many other qualities come from. Much of the present guidance on being an HVM dances around this concept but never states it. My mission drives my purpose; it defines my benchmarks for success regarding women, work, finances, family, and personal life. To my mind, there are two ways to compose a life’s mission: Broad, general subjects, or specific goals. I prefer the former because they continuously drive the creation of new goals, which I find motivating - there’s always a new challenge. I found the opposite when goals defined my mission - I languished once they were met. My goals support my mission and may change periodically, whereas my mission never changes. Being true to my mission leads to decisions, actions, and words congruent with my core values; people feel that. One example: Fatherhood is a foundation of my mission; therefore, my daughter is a top priority. I have ended relationships when a woman complained about being a lower priority or questioned how I was parenting. I’m not always right but do not question my mission.
I have good manners, know proper etiquette, and am equally at home at a dive bar as at a formal event (I prefer the dive bar, but I know how to comport myself at the formal). I can carry on a conversation and tell a story, listen well (women love this), and am at home in various situations. I strive to be well-rounded and cultured, which supports my goals, values, and boundaries. And I take charge and plan most dates.
We’re not all gifted with hilarity, but we can embrace our sense of humor. We all know what it’s like to be around someone who takes themselves too seriously and can’t loosen up. Humor demonstrates high value because it takes grace and wit, more so in the presence of an attractive woman. My sense of humor favors the dry side, so I’m not telling jokes, but I often look for opportunities to be clever and funny, and I’m not afraid to laugh at myself.
I remember 12+ years ago researching the definition of the difference between a boy and a man (on my journey from an external to internal LOC) and coming across a straightforward one rooted in sociology: boys consume, men create. Try as I might, I could not find it again while researching this post; recent definitions have taken a bizarre turn. I find dignity, satisfaction, focus, meaning, and reward in creating. And in consuming less than I create. Doing so provides the freedom to do those “boyish” things we all love.
Last but not least, I have created a fun and adventurous life that I find enriching - a life that creates good stories, a life that has exciting moments and quiet moments I find fulfilling. Women are not the focus of my life, and they do not want to be; at least the healthy ones do not. My interests and hobbies add value and depth, which improves my dating life. One of the factors I use when evaluating the women I date is whether she is worth the time I would otherwise have to pursue my other passions. The cover photo is one I took last summer while on a weeklong ride with great friends; we keep a spirited pace, even in the rain.
A skittish motorbike with a touch of blood in it is better than all the riding animals on earth, because of its logical extension of our faculties, and the hint, the provocation, to excess conferred by its honeyed untiring smoothness.
TE Lawrence
I have spent far more time discussing being an HVM than I have how many dates before sex. And that’s because becoming an HVM puts your dating life in easy mode; you won’t be focused on how many dates it takes to get to sex - she will enthusiastically want to enter your frame, want to get to know you better, and she will be attracted to you. And if not, there will always be another woman. Be the filter; don’t get filtered.
This became a much longer post than I predicted and has taken longer to write than I imagined. Thank you for hanging in til the end. I may expand on the components of being an HVM in future posts; let me know below if you’d like to see that. Hopefully, you made some connections to your life and perhaps thought of some things you hadn’t considered; if so, let me know in the comments below. If you liked this post, please give it a like, and if you appreciate the content I’m producing, hit the subscribe button. Thank you for reading.
Peace, Freedom and Progress