I Have Control Issues
Writing my previous newsletter got me thinking about freedom and control and couplehood and singlehood and serving others and what that all looks like for me in the new year. And then, I reread my earlier newsletter on why I am a Renaissance Bachelor, which made me think further. This is part of why I started this blog - to have a “public” record of my thoughts, wishes, desires, and experiences to help guide myself and perhaps you, the reader.
This exercise has brought me to the undeniable conclusion that I have control issues, but not in the most common sense.
I hate being controlled, and I hate controlling others. Much of this stems from childhood experiences with divorced parents and having too much responsibility at a young age. The issues that resulted from this went unresolved for a very long time.
I wrote in this guest post for the Red Quest: “As adults, we seek out the dysfunction we’re raised with because it feels normal. I was raised by a BPD mother, so I married a BPD woman. I felt abandoned as a kid, so I got into relationships where I feared being abandoned.”
Three events happened close together that changed the course of my life forever. I finally had enough of the chaos, told my wife I wanted a divorce, and moved out. About four weeks later, my mother died suddenly. And soon after that, I discovered Dr Glover’s book.
Suddenly, I was free of the two women whose presence and influence controlled my life. And I had found a tool to begin digging out of the morass, unhappiness, and disingenuousness that had characterized my life from childhood to my mid-forties.
What did I do with that emancipation? I didn’t date for six months, then quickly entered a seven-year relationship. She’s a good woman; we’re still in touch occasionally, but suffice it to say I should have taken longer to work on myself.
Again, from my guest post for RQ: “Once I was single again, I realized I had work to do on myself, that I had unresolved abandonment issues that would continue to rule my life unless I addressed them… The wounds I carried cut deeply into my soul and required an effort to uncover, let alone address. I had to confront my shadow in the Jungian sense and uncover the deep parts of my mind that I was hiding and repressing. My shadow was where I stored the strong emotions I felt as a child and didn’t then know how to process. Those strong emotions that made me feel at home around dysfunction, around chaos, that fear of abandonment. Those strong emotions I feared to address. As Jung said “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” I was in complete denial for most of my adult life that I even had a shadow. That lack of embodiment was my blind spot that led to choices and decisions about relationships and women that were unhealthy and self-destructive.”
I don’t want this newsletter to be about my past; I share the above for background to explain why I say I have control issues. I’m fortunate that I understand how my past made me the way I am.
I’ve given a lot of thought about how I allowed myself to think the love-bombing chick was a good idea (part two linked below). At the risk of minimizing any other lessons, I think it was the sex - some of the best I’ve ever had. Yes, crazy women are great at sex, and she was undoubtedly crazy and probably the most sexual woman I’ve ever experienced. And yes, it’s powerfully addictive to be with someone like that. In other words, great and crazy sex was enough to make me forget how much I value my freedom. Oof, well, that’s another lesson learned.
“Freedom is something that dies unless it’s used.”
Hunter S. Thompson
I’ve established the why of my love of freedom and exposed the fragility of that love. I blame that fragility on an under-appreciation of how hard I worked to get here; I needed the lesson from getting love-bombed to cement my resolve that I am a very happy bachelor. Had she come along at another time, things could have been very different; I could have ended up still with her six months down the road, wondering what had happened.
Writing, for me, isn’t a simple and fast process. It often forces me to research topics, see what others have said or written, and even amend or update my thoughts. In this case, I dug deeper into what I’m looking for from this lifestyle.
I like myself better single, primarily because I’m more outcome-independent. Ultimately, Nice Guy Syndrome is a form of codependency that I need to guard against, perhaps for the rest of my life. It’s far easier for me to be single than constantly on guard against backsliding.
I mentioned here in part two of love-bombing the math of my dating life since becoming single and how I was happiest when not dating exclusively. And that my life is not missing anyone; it is, and I am, complete on my own. I must keep it at the forefront of my mind as I navigate midlife dating.
My bachelor life is focused on personal growth, living up to my standards, and self-fulfillment. And also taking advantage of my freedom to act, explore, experiment, and live how I want. Most single people prioritize finding a partner, dating purposefully, and finding someone to grow old with; I do not. As I mentioned previously, dating this year will be different: less online and more in-person introductions. Yet, it still will be casual and without seeking a relationship.
I strongly prefer peace and calm and a more reserved and independent lifestyle over being in a relationship. I like to be alone and enjoy solitude; my need to be alone and my capacity to be alone are well-matched. Solo time allows me to contemplate, explore my interests, and continue to work on self-improvement. Solitude fuels my creativity. I am happy and content in my own company. And I get to focus on my goals. Yet I still value time with family and friends; I do not need to balance these two competing desires with a second person’s needs and desires.
I cherish my freedom and independence above all else; I hate asking for permission. I also have what could be construed as a weird relationship with rules and laws. By and large, I follow rules because I find it easier to keep a low profile. However, if I think the rule or law is arbitrary, artificially constraining, and no one will get harmed, I will happily ignore it. This includes the common societal programming on love and relationships; life is not a Hollywood movie, and there are real consequences for men attendant to traditional monogamy that I have no interest in embracing again at this stage of my life.
“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.”
H.L. Mencken
Yes, I have control issues, and I’m okay with that.
Peace, Freedom and Progress